BDSM: The Absolute Beginner's Guide
As you read through this guide and all of my other BDSM-related guides, I'm going to be very straightforward, honest, and likely vulgar. I am a firm believer in telling it like it is. I'm not trying to be professional; I'm trying to be educational. The BDSM Educational articles I write on my blog aren't roleplaying or fantasy.
They are designed to be BDSM guides - and my goal is to share my knowledge in hopes that you can use it to help improve your journey as you explore your deepest desires. (If you are looking for fantasy, please check out my Erotic BDSM Audio Stories.)
Remember that BDSM relationships are very flexible, and what works for some may not work for others. So much of my advice or opinions are entirely optional. However, there are things through the BDSM community that absolutely SHOULD be standard and absolutely SHOULD be mandatory.
If you have questions or comments, please post them below.
In this first guide, I'm not going to cover types of D/s M/s relationships because I believe each one deserves its own focus. This guide is just going to be about terminology, what should and shouldn't be, what needs to be, and basic safety.
I'm also never going to talk about 50 Shades of Grey (fictional fucking books turned into movies) practices because I find them fucking dangerous and misleading, so if that's what you're looking for, please look elsewhere.
Before you start, know that if you're going to take part in anything BDSM-related, you need to know yourself, and you need to know your partner. Suppose you're looking to get into the community, but you haven't had any experience before jumping into ownership. In that case, I suggest you join FetLife.com and try to find some munches in your community. NOT PLAY PARTIES. MUNCHES.
A munch is just a gathering where people interested in ______ get together, chat, and eat. They're usually hosted in public places so that newcomers feel at ease. So find yourself a publicly hosted munch, and get yourself out there talking to people.
So before I dive into the details, here are some key things you should know.
BDSM | Bondage/Discipline. Dominance/Submission. Sadism/Masochism.
When it comes to BDSM, everything is picked and choose - you do not have to be involved in the B/D or the S/M to partake in the D/s aspects. You don't have to enjoy bondage to want to be owned. You don't have to enjoy being whipped to be able to submit. People have such a misconception; oh, like being flogged and handcuffed?
Nope, that's on you and your partner. If you're not interested in being tied up, make it a limit.
You do NOT have to do anything you are not comfortable doing.
SSC | Safe Sane Consensual
It's an evident practice within the BDSM community, but you will meet people who say they don't practice this. Please don't assume it's not needed because it is. Without SSC, you're just in an abusive relationship and could be considered rape. While not everything in BDSM is safe (knife play, edge play, breath play, for example), it needs to have a level of safety, which means you know how to practice this safely. It's the difference between bungee jumping with and without procedures in place.
RACK | Risk Aware Consensual Kink
Much like SSC, it's needed if you ask me personally. Every single one of my BDSM relationships has been both SSC and RACK practicing. This one is pretty simple to understand - and while it's probably not needed for things as simple as missionary sex, if you're going to be playing with breath play, what RACK means, is that you and your Dominant have talked about the risks of the play, you're both aware of the potential harms you're both interested in exploring the kink. Think about it like pre-task planning, if you will.
If one party says, yeah, never mind - it is no longer consensual, and if your Dominant forces you to explore this kink without your consent. It is rape, and you're not in a fucking safe environment.
PRICK | Personal Risk-Informed, Consensual Kink
PRICK, in my opinion, is probably one of the most important things you can stick to. PERSONAL RISK INFORMED - this means that you, either the Dominant or the submissive, have been smart enough to look up the risks of whatever play you're getting into. Which means you UNDERSTAND what you're doing.
I believe this to my core; if you don't understand it, don't do it. This is a pet peeve of mine. I'm a big fan of orgasm control with light bondage, and I've played with it, I've done my research, I know what risks I am putting onto my submissive, and I know how to hold her down properly with restraints, be it with a belt, rope of bed restraints. HOWEVER, if my submissive doesn't understand the risks, if they don't know about orgasm control - I'm not going to do it until they've pursued some fucking research.
TPE | Total Power Exchange
TPE is a term used mainly between a Master/Mistress and their slave. It means what it says - total power exchange. An M/s relationship is usually a lot different than D/s relationships because slaves (most, not all) choose to forgo essentially any rights. They become the property of their Master/Mistress and no longer own themselves. While it seems harsh, it's what they choose because it's what makes them happy. I'm not going to delve too deep into TPE right now because it'll be addressed further in the Master/Mistress - slave guides.
CNC | Consensual Non-Consent
CNC is a significant deal to me because it's risky and it's serious. CNC is what it says, consensual non-consent; you're giving up the ability to say NO, STOP! There are CNC relationships and CNC scenes.
With a CNC relationship, the Dominant and the submissive agree on the terms of their relationship before starting it. Usually in contract form, or at least it should be. When you're giving up your right to say NO to someone, your circumstances must be written out in contract form. Because, while your relationship is CNC - which means your Dom/me can essentially do what they fucking want, you need to have terms that are… "Enough is enough." I'll cover CNC a lot more in-depth later, but CNC relationships as a whole are usually pretty frowned upon because abuse can happen real quickly. Generally, it's more of an M/s thing, which I'm not personally into, but I do know my fair share about it.
CNC scenes are a little more acceptable within the BDSM community because there is a start and a finish. It's usually planned out beforehand, which makes up for the CONSENSUAL part. PRICK/RACK is pertinent to a CNC scene. CNC is somewhat dangerous either way, especially if you're with someone new or someone you're not EXTREMELY comfortable being in a relationship with or trust.
Many people refer to rape play as CNC - but they're two fucking different things, and they need to stay that way.
As a Dominant or a submissive, there are a few things you need to be aware of beyond the above. Limits and safe words are just the stepping stones to ownership.
Contract. Please have a contract.
Please, for the love of the lifestyle, have a contract. It doesn't need to be extensive, but it should exist. A lot of people skip over the contract process because they don't think it's essential. But it is. A lot of BDSM acts are illegal and considered abuse. Having a legally binding contract, showing what you've agreed to - and what your partner has agreed to, which can help against any legal issues. Or, if your partner abuses the contract, it can help put them behind bars where they deserve to be.
A contract should outline the terms of the relationship, and it needs to have the submissives safe words (WORDS NOT JUST ONE), safety signs, and hard limits. This contract should not be strayed from, not in the slightest.
All parties in the relationship should revisit the contract if safe words change, limits expand, or changes in the rules. It needs to be revised. But then again, I'm big on sitting down every once and a while with your partner and talking over the workings of your relationship; what could be improved, what is perfect as is, what they want to see eliminated, and what might be nice to add.
Limits (boundaries)
Limits are essential in a fucking BDSM relationship. If someone says they have "no limits," - you need to talk to them and make them understand how dangerous that is. There are things in the kink-verse that aren't safe at all. Make sure the submissive understands they need to have limits, even if it's as essential as "no children" or "no drugs" - because there ARE people that will take advantage of a "no limits" contract - even if that means breaking the law, or otherwise…
Limits are so basic but so important. If you're not sure about limits, you need to talk to your Dom about that, but there are basic things you should understand. Find a list of kinks - whatever makes you feel uncomfortable reading about them should probably be on your limits list.
There is a difference between hard limits and soft limits, though, and you should have a list of both.
A hard limit is a limit that is, without a doubt, untouchable
I'll use one of my past subs as an example because it just fucking works.
One of her hard limits was knife play - she hated knives, the idea of one along her flesh just scared the shit out of her, and it wasn't enjoyable whatsoever. As a respectful Dom, I would never try and force her into knife play - despite the fact I enjoy it. I wouldn't ever bring it up because that's something she doesn't want. The only time a hard limit can be pressed is if the submissive brings it up and asks to try. Otherwise, the Dom must respect the sub's preferences as their Dominant and a human being.
Soft limits are flexible
Going with one of my past subs again, one of her soft limits was orgasm control when we met - which sucked because orgasm control is my favorite thing in the world. Anyway, it was a soft limit: which means she doesn't want to jump full force into it, she's not interested in it, but I was allowed to push gently. And I did; but, I respected her safe words while exploring them. If she asked me to stop, I stopped. After a few months of easing her into the waters, she was begging for me to make her cum over and over. Often though, soft limits can become hard limits because they're not enjoyable to the submissive.
Dom's please fucking respect your sub's limits.
Safe Words / Safe Actions
These, as with limits, are important in any D/s M/s relationship. Even more so than limits, honestly. A safeword is something other than "NO" - that means stop; because sometimes, "NO" isn't… "NO. " And having your submissive in tears might make you want to stop, but this is why safe words exist. Sometimes "NO" is play, and if you keep stopping to go "wait for no?" it's going to end up being a frustrated shit show.
I suggest having three safe words. This is to be discussed between the submissive and the Dominant, though. My rule is three—one safe word for stop. One safe word for slow down / I needs a break. And one safe word for I'm uncomfortable. For me, it's necessary to know when enough is enough, when you need a breather, or if you need a hug to readjust and get back to it.
Safe actions are the same - but really, you only need one that means - I need to speak - at least this is the rule for me. A safe action is a scene pause, so I can pull out your gag or whatever is making you silent, and you can tell me what you need, be it just a sip of water or a complete stop. A typical safe action is touching your thumb to your index finger like a pincer. If you don't have your hands available to you, bringing a knee to your chest is also something to consider.
If you're fully restrained, with no voice and nobody movements available, your Dominant needs to be the responsible one and stop every so often to make sure you're alright with the scene.
Pre-play
SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE IGNORE THIS. If you're having sex, alright, fine, you don't need it. But if you're playing with the whips and paddles. Please, for the love of BDSM, sit down and talk to your submissive before you do it. So they know what is going to happen. If you want it to be a surprise, that's okay too, but before any significant session, you need to make sure you're both up to date with safe words, limits and make sure your submissive is in the mental state to handle any serious play.
Make sure you talk about anything that needs to be discussed - make sure SSC / RACK / PRICK is in play. Make sure they're not in the wrong mindset to endure whatever you're going to give them. This is just as important as limits - KNOW your fucking submissive.
After play meetings
Not mandatory, but it's something I've always done. No, after you fuck, you don't need to sit down and talk about it. But, if you and your partner are doing something new, electrical play, for instance, you need to sit down and talk about how it went. Was it good? Do you want to try more? Was it bad? Should we add that to limits? The key to ANY relationship is communication, don't forget that in BDSM.
Aftercare
Aftercare is varied for everyone, but it's mandatory in my book. You, as a submissive, might not want aftercare, you might want to be left alone after a rough scene, but as a Dominant, you need to KNOW what your submissive wants.
Say, as a Dominant, you've just brought ran little sub through a highly intense session. Paddle her tight little ass, leaving her adorable bottom bright red and writhing, in pain and sensitive to the touch. Now, you need to know what your submissive needs - because aftercare is where you should be softer and gentle. This is not for the Dom; this is totally for the submissives. If they need ice cream and a Disney movie, that's what the fucking you do.
If they need Dom to hold them while they cry, that's what the Dom does. The final is, if the sub needs it, the Dom does it.
Above all, I speak primarily from a Dominant perspective.
So if you're reading this as a submissive, I only have one thing to tell you, and that is to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. If your Dominant is abusing your safe words and limits, if you feel like the relationship is more give on your part, and take on theirs, if you're uncomfortable, if you feel like you're being abused. YOU NEED TO ADDRESS IT.
If you're in a dangerous situation, if FEAR your Dominant - get the fuck out of there. "I am your Master" is never an excuse for abuse.
As a submissive, you are the one with the power. Without you, a Dominant has nothing - you can take your Dom's control away as quickly as you give it. You hold the cards and give your entire being; if you're not shown respect, then your submission is not deserved.
As a submissive, you DO NOT HAVE TO SUBMIT TO EVERYONE. If someone walks up to you and says on your knees, little girl - you don't have to listen. You are submissive; you are not a fucking toy. You are the submissive and have the absolute power to CHOOSE who you submit to.
No one has power over you unless you give it.
