How tell if he's a Fake Dom vs Real Dom:
Are you tired of dealing with fake Dom's? Look no further; I put a together 16 of the most significant red flags to look for so that you have a quick ways to identify fake Doms. Passing all these red flags is no guarantee things will work out, and there is no substitute for getting to know your person of interest as well as possible during the vetting process. However, the red flags and questions I provide will give you a significant head start in the right direction.
Most of the red flags I provide below focus on a sub-female trying to weed through men claiming to be Doms online. They are primarily based on the many questions I asked my female followers searching for a Dom's online. Some of my red flags can probably be used by male subs, but for the most part, these red flags are best for ferreting out male fakes. Fake Doms are usually after 'easy sex,' which makes them easier to identify than many fake Dommes out there.
Step One: Play the Numbers
Various polls and surveys have placed the ratio of proper male sexual Doms to female sexual subs at about one to ten. However, a swift glance in any D/s oriented social media setting would have you convinced that Doms outnumber the subs at about two to one.
Now, if there is only one male Dom for every ten female subs, that means that 90 out of the 100 "Doms" you come in contact with on social media HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 90% probability that any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is fake and just putting on a front.
This leads us to the first rule When in doubt, pull out. Your quest for a fitting Dom (especially if you are seeking a serious long-term relationship as well) could easily take years. That's hardly unusual; most people spend years looking for that extraordinary lover, be they 'vanilla' or otherwise. So don't be discouraged by all these extreme ratios. BUT DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME either.
If any of the candidates you are chatting with online makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop them. Don't give them 'three strikes' or 'extra chances to win.' Block them and move on. There was only a one in ten chance he was legitimate anyway. Trust your instincts!
Step Two: Know Your Enemy
We call them Fake Doms. We call them Thirsty Fuckboys. We call them Wannabes. We call them Narcissistic Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically, we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They are all your ENEMY. Don't bother thinking they are anything less. Even a more or less well-meaning fake Dom can land you in a hospital. Sexual Dominance and submission are not for dabblers or amateurs. Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he's not a Dom, he's not going ever to meet your needs, and he will likely give you many things you don't (like medical bills and other assorted headaches).
The Fake Dom
Fake Doms are looking for nudes or easy sexual gratification. They count on the (highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissives are needy 'easy lays.' Nothing could be less of the truth, but that doesn't prevent them at all. They are typically middle-aged to somewhat older men. They are often married. They are usually trying to escape their vanilla sex lives with some casual sexting or even cheating. They target submissives because they think they won't demand their sexual prowess (another flawed assumption). They can be easily spotted because they almost always require or at least emphasize sexual intercourse being a part of their' scenes.'
The Horny Nerds
The Horny Nerds are usually the most harmless (yet often bothersome) of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some quick sexting session or even phone sex. They are usually pretty advanced about their D/s language, and the 'scenes' they describe to you can be rather elaborate. Horny Nerds do their preparation. They scour the porn sites for ideas and hang out in D/s chatrooms for hours on end, learning the 'language.' They are most easily recognized because they want to move on to swapping nudes and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer online collars and spend hours in chat rooms 'playing' with their subs. Don't waste your time with them.
Narcissistic Control Freaks
The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Narcissistic Control Freak. Control freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call 'controlling personalities.' They are the type of person that wants to be in control of everything around them. They want all their family and friends to behave exactly as they say. They are highly manipulative people.
These men can be dangerous because many have convinced themselves that they are Dominants to justify their dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissives find themselves 'naturally' attracted to these men because, outwardly, they seem so 'in command' of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is, a controlling personality is the closest thing to the OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant. Narcissistic Control Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about 'taking care of you' and also 'knowing what's best for you.' They almost always try to play on your emotions, especially guilt.
They also usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are fond of telling you that they prefer the 'mental aspect' of Domination and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative. Nothing you do will ever be 'quite right.' While all this may seem very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard; the average narcissistic control freaks often initially look pretty charming once they have their 'hooks' into you. It's tough to get untangled.
Rapists and Predators
The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator. These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The truly frightening thing about these evil men is that there is NO easy way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank managers and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men as well!
Their motive is violence. The best defense is never to make yourself too vulnerable. To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously. Most important of all, SLOW DOWN AND TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your partner well, you're more likely to have a good time with him (because you will feel more comfortable during that first Scene).
Predators are more likely to move on in search of easy prey; they tend to be impulsive. If a 'dom' you have been talking to suddenly seems to lose interest in you after some time, you may have just saved your own life. Don't go chasing after anybody. A genuine Dom doesn't need to play 'hard to get.'
Step 3: Know what you want!
Take the time to figure out what you want. It's often problematic for new subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices are available. YOUR BEST DEFENSE IS KNOWLEDGE! There are many fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual submissives. So start reading! Learn about the different types of play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about how to set up a Safety Net. (As a Dom, it is a big red flag if my subs don't research and inform themselves before playing.)
Submissive's Guide To BDSM
Learn all the dos and don'ts of meeting others and playing safely. Decide what your limits are and set them down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name of fun, but also keep in mind that it's your ASS that's (literally) on the line here. Know what an honest Dom acts like.
Remember, you are probably a sexual submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are strong! Likely even determined as well. You have a career, goals, or a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So giving away your control is a beautiful release from everyday life.
Your power and energy are something you only want to give to someone you trust, and in intimate situations at that. It's a very personal thing to you! Well, guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this. We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all the time. We tend to be easygoing.
I have never in my life met, or even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in INTIMATE situations. It's a break from the way we live OUR everyday lives as well. We are not the opposite of you, but we are the 'missing piece to your puzzle' that fits you snugly. In other words, don't look for a Dom that's precisely like you. You won't find him.
Don't look for a Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn't exist. ABOVE ALL, if you're prospective Dom seems like a generally 'nice guy, you're likely on the right track!
Take the time to get to know him. Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room demand your attention. A natural Dom isn't likely to make demands until it's time to play.
Step 4: Red Flags to Memorize
Red Flag #1 If his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he's not going to be fun to play with. When in doubt, pull out. Don't waste your time trying to force things just because you want a taste of the BDSM lifestyle.
Red Flag #2 "I'm your Dom Now!" Real Doms don't have to ask for titles; we EARN them. Most real Doms will prefer to call them by their name until they have earned the title you choose give them. Side Note: Dom's, if a sub calls you Daddy, Sir, Master, or any other label you haven't earned. This is also a big red flag.
Red Flag #3 "I want you to wear my collar before you play with me." This is another common demand of fake doms, most often made by narcissistic control freaks.
Their goal is to isolate you from other people and their advice, and sometimes a little ole "cyber-collar" is just the thing! Cyber-collars are worth less than the leather required to make one.
Red Flag #4 If they slide into your DM's saying something like "On your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]" This is the mating call of the horny nerds and fake doms. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with somebody who doesn't even want to know who you are first, plus they are not even polite? There's a time and a place for these endearing terms, and that time is when it has been earned.
Red Flag #5: "I don't have to answer that question!" or "It's not proper etiquette for you to ask a Master that." are examples of some of the dangerous LIES that narcissistic control freaks and fake doms use.
This is a HUGE RED FLAG. I think it is the most important! A Dom had better be willing to investigate at least and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY at that! It's your ass in their hands! Never forget this!
Red Flag #6 "It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect are the mantra of the everyday narcissistic control freak. Doms can have Limits too, but it's your Limits that count FIRST. Don't let any would-be 'dom' tell you differently. Don't let any of the wannabe subs tell you differently, either. The subsets the limits; the Dom must play within those limits. If you feel uncomfortable and not safe at any time, don't hesitate to stop the act.
Red Flag #7 Don't make decisions about a prospective partner based on his online play style. Most Online Dom's are just glorified sexting buddies. It's a straightforward question to ask yourself if you think about it: would a real-life Dominant waste time sexting online?
Please take my word for it; the answer is NO. Forget it; once you've done the real thing, sexting online is just too damn dull. Also, people can pretend to be anything online; you have no idea how they will act in real life. (Again, many online Dom's are looking to spice up or are escaping the vanilla relationship.)
Red Flag #8 Ask your prospect if he's ever made any mistakes during a scene. If he say's 'no,' run for your life! If he says, 'very rarely,' at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are experienced players. Sometimes submissives have Limits they don't even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom in the world will trip over these occasionally. Just like learning anything new, we make mistakes. Any faithful Dom will admit they have made mistakes, and that is how they have acquired the knowledge and experience they have today.
Red Flag #9 "I'm a [bank president, CEO of a specific company, TV producer, self-made millionaire… blah blah blah.]." Wouldn't it be nice to meet a wealthy Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common sense too. How many CEOs have hours to spend on social media sliding into women's DM's? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he's likely a submissive! I have met a lot of female submissives that fit this ambitious profile, but not one Dom yet!
Also, ask yourself, how did they find you? He just magically came across your profile and was like, OMG, so much in common? (Most of the guys looking to take advantage if subs are following other Dom or Kinky accounts, they follow and message hundreds of female profiles in hopes that a few needy girls looking for attention will respond. They are essentially profiling potential victims. )
Red Flag #10 "I'm 33 years old, and I've been a Master for ten years." Give me a break! What are the odds? When you ask about Dom's level of experience (and it's a good idea to do so), remember to do the math as well. 18-year-old boys don't care about the intricacies of D/s; they want to get laid. Trust me on this one, Ladies; I was an 18-year-old horny boy once!
It's my personal opinion that people do become what they are (be it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person became a Master when they were still trying to find the clit?
Red Flag #11 Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be 'very experienced.' Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. I notice that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. This is understandable since, in the vanilla world, it's considered rude to talk to a guy's ex-girlfriend. But in the D/s Scene, it's the opposite; experienced players will gladly accept and accommodate this kind of request.
Red Flag #12 "I have three subs right now, but you can't talk to them." Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this sounds possible. What makes this a red flag is the last part. I have met couples, and they were looking for an extra person to add to the mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were looking TOGETHER. If a 'dom' has anyone already collared to them, you probably ought to talk to her FIRST!
Red Flag #13 "I don't need safe words." Well, of course, he doesn't! If he said this, he's likely an abusive ass hole. He's never really been in a scene! Of course, he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't need safewords either. Need I say more?
Red Flag #14 "My sub-trust me to set their Limits for them." If you hear a "dom" say this, it's most likely because these slaves only live in his mind. Or worse still, his 'sub' is simply the Victim of spouse abuse. Even so-called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other sorts of 24/7 (i.e., full time) D/s relationships should involve some careful negotiation.
Red Flag #15 "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to explain this one to you, you've got problems. I have played with many married submissives in my time, but ONLY with their husbands' express permission (and more often than not, participation). Safe D/s requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. Many people are willing to tell you differently, but please note that they will all turn out to be cheaters (and hence, liars) themselves.
Red Flag #16 Insert your Red Flags here. You will learn much from your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "dom" that falls through, analyze WHY it fell through. Don't make the same mistakes twice if you can help it.
Step 5: It's not just Dom's you have to screen!
Finding some female submissives to be friends with you on your journey is an excellent idea. Especially if they are experienced, they can give you unique viewpoints, emotional support, and even references to authentic Doms to play with. They can also, most importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in your search should be obvious!
However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women online as well. For instance, if you are so inclined to search for a Domme, the Red Flags should also apply. Be very careful about the women you meet online that claim to be submissives as well. There are a significant number of females who live their D/s lifestyle in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not only useless in the real world, but they can also be dangerous.
Another class of "female enemy" is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim. A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and or mental abuse that uses D/s as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of hazardous advice, but they are usually very passionate about telling you that their lifestyle is the only "real D/s."
They can fill your head full of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types. A little spare sympathy, tell them to get help and stay the heck away from them (in exactly this order). It may seem selfish, but it is the right thing to do. An abused victim can only save themselves, and then only when ready is ready to do so.
If you let her vent her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her everyday little life of hell. Leaving you emotionally drained and likely terrified also. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough enough as it is. Avoid Victims entirely if you can, and if you can't, urge them to get help. It's not your job to save the world; keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.
One last thing!
This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds extremely scary too. It should. So why bother with this journey at all? Why not just stick "sexting only" and forget real life D/s? Why not just drop it altogether? I can give you only one good reason; when it is done safely and meets your needs, it can be one of the most highly fulfilling experiences in your life!
Any student of psychology can tell you that denial has its dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones that lead to exciting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find reliable friends to share the journey, and start walking. Just don't forget to avoid the red flags along the way.