How do I find a partner in BDSM?

In this article, I will attempt to give some pointers, do's and don'ts, warning signs and general help, advice, and information on finding a BDSM partner. For the sake of continuity and simplicity, I will address a male as the Dominant and a female as the submissive. This is, of course, gender universal and, for the most part, will apply equally to Daddy' s/Doms/Masters/little' s/slaves, etc., except where indicated.

To begin with, let me clarify one misconception regarding searching for a D/s partner. You may have heard the phrase, "it's not much different than searching for a vanilla partner." This is not strictly true. Why may you ask? First, the very nature of who and what you are searching for makes for a unique search in a very narrow playing field.

Secondly, BDSM is not widespread in mainstream society, which makes the search a lot more specific. In part, this could be said for a vanilla search, but one would have to be extremely lucky if they could find their dream Dom/sub at work or a chance encounter in the local supermarket!

After the vanilla partners have established compatibility through the vetting process and agreed to enter into a relationship, well… that's pretty much the groundwork accomplished. In the BDSM realm, when searching for a partner, that's only the first hurdle cleared. A significant task, but a lot more communication is required before any D/s relationship can be entered. Both partners may very well be compatible as a 'vanilla' couple, but when D/s is introduced, it can very easily fall apart due to incompatibilities.

There is a different level of trust, respect, and communication. D/s relationships take an enormous commitment, and any venture down that road should not be taken lightly. Forcing it or forcing a partner who only makes the other happy is not in a healthy, committed relationship.

How do I find a partner in BDSM? A frequently asked question. How does one find a suitable partner?

Website such as FetLife one of the most popular kink-related sites one could begin a search for. Both are social networks for kinksters that offer personal profiles for members, message boards, groups, news and information of upcoming local BDSM meets or munches, etc.

Tips for actively seeking a partner via FetLife:

Write an interesting profile in the 'about me section. Include a description of yourself. State what you like/dislike and what you want/do not want from a partner. Members with a decent profile tend to be taken more seriously about seeking a relationship. Please include all your fetishes or kinks you are interested in a try. (Preferences to choose from; giving, receiving, or everything to do with it). Add photos to your profile. (At your discretion) Join some of the groups that appeal to you. (use the search function) Search for your type of partner in your area. Search for munches in your area.

BDSM Munch vs. Meet

Attending a Munch

A munch is a social gathering of like-minded kinksters who are interested in or involved in BDSM. Munches are designed to educate and allow the chance to meet others, become more comfortable, and be adequately informed for newcomers or those curious about the BDSM lifestyle. They are generally informal meetings with the primary purpose of socializing, and fetish wear or any BDSM play is discouraged from taking place. They can also be a place to get advice or information.

Attending a play party

A BDSM meet or 'play-party is a meeting or gathering of people interested in BDSM with the intention and purpose of engaging in BDSM activities. Fetish wear and play are highly encouraged!

Online safety & etiquette (Submissives)

Unfortunately, FetLife does have a minority of predators searching for their' prey.' Some of the most common examples of this type of behavior to be aware of are:

Inappropriate questions or suggestive comments during initial contact or early in the conversation. Asking things such as 'what are you wearing,' 'do you like [x]' and 'would you like to play are all indicative of predatory behavior and an obvious sign of someone looking for cybersex as opposed to a serious D/s relationship.

Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or uneasy should be a warning sign. Your internal 'alarm bell' is ringing and alerting your gut instinct. Listen to it!

Any questions, remarks, comments, or unwanted behavior should be seen as a big red flag (The giveaway sign that all is not well, something doesn't add up, or is just plain wrong! If you feel threatened, hit the block button and move along.)Do they ask to be addressed by the title? A clear sign of a so-called Dom! If you're asked to call him Sir, etc., he has no idea of what the essence of a D/s relationship is about! Move on. Titles are earned, not demanded.

Eager to start a relationship. Another clear red flag. Trust takes time to establish; it can take weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to move to that level and commit to a relationship.

Communication. Is he open and honest with you? If he is unwilling to talk or evade questions, you need to take notes. Listen for inconsistencies in conversations too. If he keeps changing his story, you should question his intentions towards you.

Conquests. Does he boast about his previous partners or trash talk them? One day this could be you. He is disrespecting!

Does he try to impress? Any so-called Dominant that shouts his worth to prove how 'dominant' he is…probably isn't. Self-praise and self-admiration are clear indicators of a self-proclaimed Dom. Ignore.

Are your best interests HIS intentions? Does he push you to be the best you can be or make you in a manipulative manner that benefits him?

Remember, there's a fine line between dominance and domineering. Do they appear to be available when you want to talk? Does he make time to spend with you? Sadly, married men are stuck in a vanilla marriage who use this lifestyle as an outlet to fulfill their kinky side.

Intentional or not, they think it's an easy way for them to get laid and feed their urges, not realizing how damaging it can be for the other parties who get hurt. Namely, you and his wife!

Red flags Dominants should be aware of:

The first contact can be a tell-tale sign of how serious your potential submissive is in wanting to get to know you. Is the message polite, or does it simply say, "I want you to f**k me, Daddy!" Or does the Dom seeking person give a title to the potential Dom right away? A 'genuine' submissive would never address you by title unless they have consented to be your submissive. If a potential partner willingly wants to be dominated by you on the first contact. Red flag. Keep searching. As with the previous list, if a potential partner is asking inappropriate questions, etc. It would help if you questioned where their interests are focused.

Submission is earned. If a title is given freely without effort, discussion, or conversation to be your partner, that would be another red flag!

Do they want to be your 'baby girl' because you're a Daddy or because they genuinely want a relationship with you?

Are communications centered around your partner's expectations or the relationship? If it all about 'them,' I would question their motives.

Are communications realistic? The novice may give themselves with claims they are a better choice of submissive as they state, "you can do what you want with me." EVERYONE has limits! Is the potential partner open in conversation and willing to share information? If attention and affection are a top priority before the relationship has been discussed, this is a red flag indicator.

Another source one could use is Twitter. There are a vast number of available Dominants and submissives searching or seeking a partner. Introduce yourself! A simple hello could start something special (Which is how I met a baby girl).

So you've read their profile or about me and messaged a potential partner or received a message, and you're interested in getting to know more about them. What happens next? First, do not push yourself on them or start getting sexual, or you'll appear desperate and potentially fake. You also may not be taken seriously. Remember, a D/s relationship is a relationship first, and the foundations need to be laid down before the connection is entered into. Tell them a little about yourself. Not your kink or submissive/dominant side, just about you. There's no reason for it to be a one-sided conversation, don't be the one who does the majority of the talking. It takes two to have a conversation. When you're comfortable enough, you may want to bring communications to the next level. Whether that's via Facetime or Video Chat, that's entirely your call.

When to meet your partner? When you're comfortable and feel confident about the meeting. There is no defining moment or set time limit. I'd recommend meeting in a public place such as a coffee shop (I would avoid bars/alcohol). Ladies should preferably have a friend close by or even inside the arranged location where you intend to meet. If that's not possible, have someone you can contact at regular intervals? Keep your safety in mind at all times. Being in a public place should force the conversation to non-sexual chat (hopefully), and this will also allow you to see the type of person they are. (Some people can appear differently online to how they are IRL).

Use your instincts and go with your 'gut feeling. If something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't. However, if your instincts are screaming, it's the right thing to do.

This is not a definitive guide. This is for advice, help, and information purposes only. Take from this what you will. As always, this is gender universal. They are written with the BDSM mantra in mind SSC safe, sane consensual.

Want more tips? Please read this article - The BDSM Vetting Process.