top of page

How Do I Find a Good Dom?

How Do I Find a Good Dom?

How Do I Find a Good Dom?

So you have finally realized that your are a sub or at least that you're interested enough that you want to explore the possibilities. The question is, how do you find someone with whom to examine them without jeopardizing your safety?

In most cases, many people get their first introduction to BDSM online. While social media is a great place to meet and talk to people about the lifestyle, such online connections rarely lead to successful, long-lasting, genuine relationships. When it comes to finding a real-life partner, online relationships can be a hindrance rather than a help. Why? Because once you are involved in an online relationship, you will almost certainly focus on that rather than finding a real-life partner. I have people tell me about this beautiful long-distance relationship they have, and time and time again, those relationships fall apart. Relationships need contact; they need smiles and hugs, and togetherness. They need sex. Without these things, they are destined to fail.

People often fall into the trap of thinking that they can convert their online relationship into real life without considering the practicalities of moving hundreds of miles away from friends and family to be with a partner they hardly know and making the relationship work once they get there. Also, people tend to forget that a long-distance relationship leaves a lot of room for fantasy to fill in the voids created from not seeing the person in real life. It's easy to say how things will go or be if you don't have to put words into action.

I know some people manage it, but online relationships rarely turn into successful real-life ones. If you're serious about finding a real-life partner, concentrate on that rather than on sexting and exchanging nudes. I know a submissive who dedicated a year to an online relationship, and when she and her prospective Dom finally met, they lasted less than a week. A year is an awful amount of time to waste, It's hard to predict what the chemistry will be like once you meet the person in real life.

A better way to find that perfect Dom is to look into the local 'scene' (there's bound to be one) and to attend various club events, play parties, munches, and so forth. However, before you dash off to look up BDSM Clubs, be aware that many of the folk who attend such events are pretty much 'out there as far as their sexual proclivities are concerned, and consequently, their sense of discretion may not be what you would hope it to be. If you're not reasonably comfortable with being asked, "who are those-clad leather-clad people I saw you with on Saturday?" you're better off giving them a wide berth.

To my mind, one of the most effective ways to meet a partner is to advertise online dating sites. Effective if you approach it with a healthy degree of caution and just a little common sense. Online services like these are discrete and reliable, allow you to be very specific about what you want, and are cost-effective, but (there's always a but, right?) to make the most of them, you do have to use them properly.

Step 1 - Prepare

It would be best if you determined for yourself (as best you can) who you are and what you are looking for in a partner. I know this won't be easy if you're new to the lifestyle but do your best. Are you looking for a long-term relationship or a one-off /casual play partner? What sort of activities appeal to you? What are you looking for in a partner? What do you have to offer? Use your imagination and put yourself into a 'virtual' D/s relationship. What is the relationship like? How does your partner treat you? What are the relationships governing rules? What happens when the rules are broken? Spend some time thinking about these questions and build a picture of the relationship you want in your mind. When the image is reasonably straightforward, please write it down.

Once you have a pretty good idea of what sort of relationship you're looking for, you can start to prepare yourself for it. You may want to read some of the articles on this site and other sites.

As a rule of thumb, submissives can best prepare by learning the attitude and skills a typical Dom may demand.

By the way - you may feel that preparing for a relationship is a little clinical and takes some of the romance out of it, but I beg to differ. Our upbringing and day-to-day vanilla experiences go a long way towards preparing us for a vanilla relationship - so why should D/s one be any different?

Step 2 - Advertise

Take care in creating your profile - it's worth spending a bit of time on it and getting it right. A well-crafted profile that's free of spelling and grammatical errors is much more attractive than one that looks as though it's been thrown together in 5 seconds. Use that mental image of your ideal relationship as your guide, but be honest. Don't mistake overstating your experience, and be clear about any practical limitations you may have.

You want to reach an as broad audience as possible, so join and create a free profile on at least two specifically kink-related sites like or get involved with the kink community on here. (Coming Soon)

Step 3 - Taking it further.

Okay, so your profile is complete, and you have to sit back and wait for the replies to roll in, right? Wrong! You must also reply to other people's profiles - submissives in particular seem to feel that they shouldn't make the first move, but if the Doms didn't want replies, they wouldn't have made a profile in the first place. Someone has to get this thing going, and by responding to profiles and waiting for others to reply to yours, you double your chances of connecting with the right person.

(A note for subs - it's not uncommon for personals sites to allow free female members to reply to messages but not to allow free male users to do so - all the more reason for you to respond to messages, and all the more reason for the men to come up with the cash to become a paid-up member.)

A few Do's and Don'ts:


  • Tell other users what attracted you to their profile, and a bit of yourself

  • Be open and honest about your circumstances, what you are looking for and what you look like

  • Be polite and avoid crudity

  • Take your time to get the reply right


  • Include your phone number or anything that might identify you

  • Be tempted to respond to more than 4 or 5 messages at a time

  • Be impolite

  • Overstate your interests or experience

  • Reply to messages that don't fit your requirements or where you don't fit theirs

  • Reply to messages where the advertiser lives way outside your local geographic area.

Once you start getting replies, you don't have to reply to every one of them. Remember, by creating a profile; you're asking people to respond. Only reply to those that you find fit what you are looking for.

Step 4 - Meeting

So, it's finally happened. You've received a load of replies to your profile, responded to one or two, and you think you've found 'the one. What next? Well, that's really up to you, but I suggest several messages back and forth about what each of you is looking for, followed by some very long 'getting to know you' phone calls and video chats. Don't be in too much of a hurry - if they are 'the one,' they'll wait. Just before I go through, a few points about first time meeting safety - particularly for the ladies:

  • Meet in a public place, and stay there for the duration of the first meeting.

  • Have a safety net in place - tell someone where you are going, who you are meeting, and when you will be back. Set up a system whereby they will call in the cavalry if you don't call them at a pre-determined time.

  • Don't 'play' with the person you are meeting on the first date.

  • Be wary of giving out your home address to anyone until you know them well.

  • Take a cell phone with you.

  • Trust your instincts - if it feels wrong - get out.

Once you have figured out that the person you are interested in might be a good fit, let the vetting process begin.

Finally, good luck! I hope you find that perfect partner, and it all works out well for you.

1 comment

1 Comment

Rated 0 out of 5 stars.
No ratings yet

Add a rating
Megan Cline
Megan Cline
Oct 13, 2021

Extremely helpful. I’ve been messaged a few times and I’ve remembered all the advice and tips from the articles you written to help me determine if they are a good fit for me. I’ve also made lists of what I want like you have suggested. It’s been really helpful. Thank you again.

bottom of page