6 Crucial Questions Every Submissive Must Ask Her Potential Dom
For all submissive females, finding a suitable dominant companion should be approached with much thought. Just because a man is dominant does not mean he will make an excellent dominant for every submissive. Just as in a vanilla relationship, there are many different kinds of relationships within a power relationship.
There are several vital points a submissive needs to look for in a possible dominant. But before doing that, she needs first to look within and decide what she wants and needs from such a relationship.
Is being in love with her dominant a critical part of the relationship she seeks? Does she want to be submissive to a dominant or a slave to a master? These are only a some of the questions a submissive must ask herself before entering into a relationship with a dominant.
After asking herself these questions, a submissive needs to ask her potential dominant the following questions to see if they would make a good pair. Doing this can make a difference in life and death in some cases. Safety should always be foremost in a submissive's mind when seeking a dominant partner.
BDSM Vetting Process - Everything You Genuinely Need to Know
1.) Is he looking for a short-term or long-term relationship? D/s relationships can be anything from occasional play partners to committed lifetime partnerships. A submissive must be looking for the same kind of relationship as her potential Dom.
2.) Is he looking for a mono or poly relationship? If he is looking for a poly relationship, will it be one in which he expects his submissives to be intimate with one another? This is important to know before committing because it will save a submissive a lot of heartache down the road.
Beth was thrilled when she agreed to give Kyle the power over her and submit to him. But Beth made a critical mistake during the vetting process by not asking enough questions during the initial session with him. She got tied up in his charm, his confidence, and the control which she so desperately sought. After several months of happily serving him, Kyle told Beth that he was bringing another sub into the relationship. Beth was confused and even more devastated to learn that this had been his purpose all along. A lack of communication between Beth and Kyle had placed her in this awful place. By now, she felt his entirely, and the thought of leaving him was not even an option in her mind. So she stayed and supported the poly relationship that she had no desire to be in…crying herself to sleep each night.
3.) What aspects of the scene is a potential dominant into? Again, this is very crucial to know because there are so many aspects to the lifestyle. There is bondage, spanking, whipping, nipple torture, golden showers, anal play, sharing, performing, humiliation, objectification, wax play, knife play, mental/emotional control.
There are some Dom's who are into very taboo areas such as incest and bestiality. This is why it is essential to set boundaries and ask questions before submitting to a Dom. Otherwise, a sub may find herself in a tough position down the road where she has to compromise her values or say goodbye to a Dom she has grown to love.
4.) Is the possible Dom sadistic? This is an important question to ask because if a submissive ends up with a sadistic dominant and she is not masochistic, it is going to be a very difficult road. The submissive will only fear her Master, and the trust will not develop as it should.
Another important reason for finding out if a dominant is sadistic is so that the submissive can explore the reasons why he is into giving pain to his submissives. There are some dominants who only play at being dominants. They wear the mask, but are only abusers searching for easy prey. They use their submissives as punching bags and they give pain because they are cruel, administered when they are angry and out of control. They prey on submissives who have very low self esteem, thinking they deserve no better.
There are other dominants, though, who are into sadism, but they are able to administer the pain showing the utmost control. Their reasons are of a different nature. They enjoy administering the pain, but do it as a means of helping the submissive release her inner pain that she holds onto. The dominant takes the pain only as far as the submissive will allow, encouraging her to use a safe word.
A safe word is a word that has been predetermined by the submissive and her dom. It is a word that she will use if a scene gets too intense for her and she wishes to stop. It is usually a neutral word (such as pineapple or red)…nothing that could be mistaken as a part of the scene itself. The dominant will immediately stop the scene when the submissive uses her safe word. Very often when the pain threshold is reached, the submissive will be in tears. A true, loving dominant will embrace these tears and tenderly hold his submissive, encouraging her to let them flow.
5.) Will the dominant require the submissive to sign a contract? A contract is a document that is drawn up by the dominant, stating the terms and conditions of the relationship. It may include such things as responsibilities of both dom and submissive, rules, infractions, punishments for infractions, reasons for dismissal, duties, expectations, and length of time the submissive will serve.
Not all dominants desire contracts, believing that they serve little purpose in a true D/s relationship. Other dominants do want contracts, believing it will make the submissive feel safe to know exactly what her boundaries and limitations are…and also to know that the dominant has responsibilities he must adhere to as well.
Regardless of whether there is a written contract or not, it is important for the submissive to discuss these things with the dominant. That way she is entering into the relationship with her eyes wide open to all of the possibilities.
6.) Is the dominant looking for a slave or a submissive? Although the two terms are sometimes interchanged, they have very different meanings. A slave is submissive, but a submissive is not necessarily a slave.
A submissive gives up control, but has more of a say in when she does. She has more of a voice in the relationship. When the dominant tells her to do something and she isn't comfortable, she has the choice to opt out.
A slave has no control. (This is a very dangerous way to play.) A slave is owned property who obeys…period. She may respectfully discuss and share her feelings with her Master, but he makes the final decision, and she must abide by it. If she doesn't, then she is dealt with harshly.
There is much a submissive must consider in choosing a dominant. It is very easy for a submissive to get swept away under a Dom's control without asking the important questions first. But by asking the questions, she will be saving herself a lot of heartache down the road. She will also increase the odds that she will be entering into a relationship that is safe and consensual in every aspect.