Submission is not following your Dom. It is leading him, clearing the path, and reporting back to him on any snares or problems you see ahead. It is trusting him to guide and navigate, to keep you safe.
The most basic way I've heard a Dom described uses words that I wouldn't use to describe a dog. Especially today – there are a LOT of anti-Dom posts, and a lot of "Subs Deserve XYZ" posts. But one thing I rarely hear… what do Dominants deserve? Where are the Dom quotes that say a Dom deserves A, B, C? Or a top 10 list of what a Dom needs or deserves? Well, I created one just for the Dom's. Subs, take note and understand this list; it will help you tremendously moving forward.
1. Know your Obligations.
We know Doms have obligations. We hear a LOT about that about it. We should be forgiving and understanding. We should be strong and independent. We have an obligation to be wise and patient and to be controlled and in control of ourselves and our partners. We have to accept accountability for whatever happens with the submissive. We have an obligation to take responsibility (and accountability) for both our actions and (often) our subs' actions.
Well, submissive obligations exist too. (No, not "suck my cock daily" kinds of duties. Those are play rules or relationship kinks.) Obligations from the sub include communication with your Dom and patience with the relationship, building trust with your partner. And having realistic expectations of the relationship while understanding the meaning of discretion when things need work. You know… all the stuff below?
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2. Remember Patience?
Patience is a virtue, virtue is a grace, and grace is a little girl…
When you start dating someone – you don't ask them to marry you the first week. Nor the first month, or (hopefully) the first year. So why are you in a rush to submit immediately? Why is there this pressure to devise punishments and tasks to validate every single status change in the relationship? Date. Hang out. Talk.
The same with fetishes. I understand you are a HUGE anal slut. But let's work up to that. Yes, I can probably put together a scene with 17 different ass sensation toys and a half dozen different positions with fun restraints. But why? Let's share other experiences. Let's learn each other before moving into what should be a permanent relationship.
It takes time before a Dom can earn your trust to guide you. It takes time for us to learn your little quirks. It takes experience to read your body language and to be able to know your fears and your feelings. There will be false starts, and stops, and pitfalls, and awkward situations. If you want a relationship with your Dom… be realistic about it.
Expecting us to rock your world immediately… it happens sometimes. But most of the time, it takes time and effort before we know you well enough to blow your mind.
3. Have Realistic Expectations.
Aren't you perfect? Well, neither are we. We're learning every day. A good Dom (one who will eventually be worthy of the title) is constantly working on those imperfections through self-help, personal exploration, educational classes, and reading. Expecting for your Dom to pay for all your dates, have a fully equipped dungeon, be the perfect boyfriend, help pay your rent when you're behind, god-like lover, and be a Master-of-All-Toys is, frankly, naïve.
It takes a lot of work to build a relationship - and that relationship has to be made from both ends. We understand that you are sacrificing a lot when you surrender your body - often, so are we (see #9). We are as giving as we can be of our time, our money, and our emotions. It hurts us just as much when we're dropped, dumped, manipulated, or lied to.
Just in case you missed it, we don't have "Dom support" groups. So while you're risking more of your body and heart on the front end – we're risking a hell of a lot of our soul and our mind on the back end.
If we're with you and making an honest effort, please respect that. We appreciate you (even when we're calling you a slut and a whore while whipping your cute little ass) for your ability to take pain and suffering and then turn it into something extraordinary. We recognize your talents and efforts. Please, remember ours.
It's a real roller coaster ride to have a sub who is one person in the morning, another at night, and a complete third when she skips a few meals (see #7). Don't get me wrong, roller coasters are fun, but they don't make for great daily activities.
We're going to do the best we can to enforce the rules consistently. To respond to your needs as much as we can, when we can. We aim to be the same Dom on Monday that we are Saturday night. What we ask in return is the same thing from you. Make an effort (see #9) to follow those rules. Don't give us your best effort Saturday night at the party, and then just coast on the relationship for the rest of the week.
There's something to be said for a sub which is the same Monday through Sunday in her level of devotion, her level of commitment, and her level of respect. We honestly don't care if that level is low, medium, high, or barely existent. We'll work with that – that's what a Dom does. We motivate, we train, and we guide. But if you're giving us a different persona and a different level of submission every other day, the most fantastic Dom in the world couldn't deal with that 24/7. Neither can we.
5. Discretion within the relationship.
Yeah, so. Going online chatting in social media DM's or fetish forums, about how your Dom doesn't scratch your itch, or how you're so disappointed he didn't do what you wanted sexually last night? That's not being respectful. We don't (believe it or not) go around gossiping with every Dom we know about how tight your ass was last night or how funny you looked sobbing after an emotional edge play scene.
Please have the same courtesy - don't assume that just because you're the submissive, you can talk about anything in our relationship that you want to and call it "submissive sharing." If you have a genuine issue in the relationship - your Dom should be the first person you talk to about it. Not your online sub friends. (See #10) about that.
This is not an endorsement of abuse. Go to your local shelter if you are being abused (physically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, sexually, etc.). Your nearest victim advocate. Or the closest police station.
But please keep in mind – below that particular level? Relationships will always have problems; talking to your partner solves a LOT of them.
6. Trust. (No really, actual trust, not "earn it or else" trust)
No, this doesn't mean trusting your Dom immediately from the start. That would be insane. But this ties in with #8 and #9. Have you heard the old saying "trust takes time"? Well, trust also takes effort. And communication (see #10). From both parties. Trust is a two-way street. If your Dom has to prove that he's worthy of your trust constantly, then why are you with him?
I was once with a woman who had me convinced that it was Dom's job to earn and re-earning trust constantly. I heard the mantra of "a real Dom earns trust" at least once a day. The entire relationship was one long marathon of constant effort to "earn" her trust by doing everything she wanted and never disagreeing with her. It took a slap 'round the head and shoulders by a senior Dom and very trusted friend before I realized that I was being used.
Having sanity is a no-brainer. But unfortunately, it rarely gets spoken of in the BDSM lifestyle. If you have depression, bipolar, manic episodes, or have been described by previous friends, dominants, or family members as a "wild and crazy" type…the odds are that you need therapy. Possibly medication. There's no shame in that – a LARGE percentage of people in this modern world have psychological issues that need to be addressed with pills or therapy. Please seek it BEFORE approaching a Dom. We, in return, will attempt to do the same for our issues. Entering deeply emotional and effort-related relationships should be done AFTER the mental health issues are addressed and under control.
8. Stop Recycling the Past.
Your last Dominant hurt you. Or didn't measure up. I understand that, personally. My last submissive didn't either (see #7). But that said, this is us, starting fresh. I certainly want to know if your previous Dom was abusive, hurtful, or cruel. You need to know if my last submissive was, too. That's part of the whole "communication skills" thing in #10, and it will affect how we interact. I do NOT, however, need to hear a daily address list of the A-Z of everything you ever disliked about him or a weekly update on how I compare to him. I probably don't do any of the former and don't care about the latter. This is a new relationship. You wouldn't enjoy your Dom constantly comparing you, out loud, to his last girl. You wouldn't want an intimate partner continually comparing you to their previous lover. Dom's don't enjoy it either. Keep the past in the past.
9. Honest Effort and Understanding.
Do you want us to know how hard submission is? Well, we want you to understand how brutal being a Dom is. We have to think in three dimensions about the emotional and psychological impact of everything from our tone of voice to our tools, from our clothes and cologne to our cock and pussy hair. It's exhausting at times, and just like sub's, sometimes we burn out. Sometimes we're too tired to be on point, and just like we are expected (by our Dom brothers and sisters, if not by our subs) to be consistently understanding and supportive of subs rights and feelings, we deserve a little consideration ourselves.
10. Communication Skills.
Dom AND sub. Master AND slave. Top AND bottom. Please note the "and." You AND me. Kenova AND Cassie. Snowy AND Toy. The "and"? That has a lot of meaning. It means that just as much as you expect us, the Dom, to communicate with you about your training and performance. We expect the same. We deserve the same. If you have concerns - you need to talk to us, not post it on social media. If you feel hurt, you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with your Dom, not slam them to all of your friends. If you honestly believe that your Dom has problems? Talk to them about it. Be a big girl/boy/boi/slave/slut/whore/bottom/queer/toy/androgyne.
But if you can't communicate at least as well as you expect your Dominant to communicate to you? If you aren't making the honest effort (see #9) to become a better communicator? Then you're the problem, not the Dom.
I hope this list will give you more insight into what we Doms need from our subs. Do your best to understand each point and come back here often if you need a refresher.